The greatest tradition about St.Patty’s day in Southie is, there are no rules.That in mind here are a few guidelines to help you along the route.
Saddle the kegs, bring out the Celtics jerseys, and pocket the condoms St.Pattys day in Boston is around the corner. No alley way is safe from sex, no string of green beads to go un-worn. There are bottles to be emptied, furniture to be broken and tears to be swallowed.
To find yourself in the midst of a successful St. Patty’s day here is a consolidated list of the most important “Don’ts” of St. Patty’s day
1.) Bathrooms are not as difficult to find on St. Patty’s day as you might think.
You’ve done it, your cousins done it, your brothers done it, you’ve seen your lady friend for the day do it, every dog from Thames Street in Newport ( the 2nd best st pattys day parade) to the streets of Southie has seen you do it.
Pissing in public for a guy more often than not is a quick in and out mission, ya find a good alley with limited visibility, ya pull your private eye out and do what god intended. Takes 30 seconds and then you flee the scene a new man. (This description can also describe relations with a “lady” in between parties….sometimes ya gotta stop in the alley way and do what God also intended us to do) .This minor choice could lead to a few things
- Piss on yourself
- Piss on someone else
- Not realizing the “alley way” is a store front in the middle of southie
- Maybe you are forever a level 1 pedophile
- Hefty fine from the City of Boston
If you can avoid getting caught in the act, you are 1 step closer towards having yourself one hell of a St. Patty’s day parade.
How to avoid this?
1.) Find a home to piss in
2.) Use a look out when peeing in an alley
2.) Drinking en-route
- We get it, you like to drink alcohol you’re the fucking man but let’s relax with the waltzing around drinking out of the open container nonsense. You can have as many 30 racks as you can carry just don’t open the fucker until you get to a safe spot to drink and spill it all over yourself idc, just fucking wait. The only exclusion to the rule is “doin it for the gram” and that shit better be good. If you are capable of waiting to drink until you are at your destined location you have assured a good time .This minor choice could lead to a few things
- You can spill beer all over yourself
- Run the risk of losing your alcohol to street urchins and squids that appear on this day
- Run the risk of looking as trashy as the North Shore/South Shore Trash that visit the city
- Run the risk of looking like Southie Trash
- You very well likely drop the bottle, it smashes everywhere and liquor stores are closed.
- You are arrested
- You are fined by the City of Boston
How to avoid this? Dont travel to far and drink up under a roof.
It is in Southie’s blood, it’s in the ooze between Southies toes, it’s under the fingernails, it’s between the balls and tits of the streets. Just a bunch of predominantly white pale as fuck people running around flailing their fists with McGregor confidence. This is all good and well until you throw in those that flock to the streets of Southie for St. Pattys day who are not actually from the city. The North Shore scum and South Shore trash (only relevant places other than Boston not including the Cape) flock in groves to the city with natty latte’s held high and their women feeling loose it is prime time for poor decisions and lop sided fights. This minor choice could lead to a few things.
- Broken bones
- Bloody clothes
- Loss of pride
- Loss of woman
- Loss of memory
- Loss of wallet, beer, phone, clothes, dignity
- Possible pride in victory
- Bloody knuckles
- Big swinging dick of pride
- More women wanting to hang with you
- Broken furniture
- Bad/great snap chat videos
How to avoid this? well…ya dont have to if ya dont want to.
If you can avoid these 3 simple choices, you have guaranteed yourself a higher percent chance of not having a terrible St.Pattys day and not ending up in a thrown up covered Paddy Wagon being hauled off to a jail cell or locked in a basement.
As I said, it does not guarantee fun, but it does provide a higher percent chance of not having a terrible St. Pattys Day. For me a successful St. Pattys day entails drinks with the “lads”, some gansett, and a healthy looking girl with some recreational habits in store for me. So remember it is St. Pattys day, drink with pride, fuck with affirmation, and wear that green like it’s the Red White and fucking Blue baby.
If you’re looking for a good time…..
You can find me in Southie drinkin Natty lattes pissing in front of a liquor store, cya then….